Inadequacy. I’m not good enough. These words follow me around on many days like a ghost. They not only words, but deep dark feelings. I’m not good enough as a professional, a mother, a wife, or a person.
Not good enough because I’m not working full time yet, even though I invested in myself and started my own business. I should be making more money.
Not good enough because I let my toddler cry in her booster chair for 10 because she didn’t like the chicken I cooked her, just so I could do dishes. I should be more patient and make better food. Also I should have done the dishes last night.
Not good enough because by the end of the day when my husband gets home I’m so over it I don’t want to even talk. I should be a more contributing partner.
Not good enough because I haven’t lost all the baby weight and the stretch marks are tattooed onto me. I should be prettier.
Not good enough because I’ve let everyone down. I should be more than what I am.
These thoughts are real. And they are hard.
I wish I could now turn this into the type of blog post where I give you advice on how to be your best self, stop believing in the lies, and shed all your insecurities.
But I don’t think I can. Because I don’t know how.
Sometimes it’s okay to sit with our hurt. I’m here to tell you that you’re not alone. I’m here to give you permission to grieve the parts of yourself you’ve lost to motherhood. I’m here to tell you that you are enough for this world even when you’re not enough for yourself. It’s okay. And if it’s not okay, it’s going to be okay. One way or another.
Because I see you, and you are not alone. I see you mom of a six week old who hasn’t spoken a word of human language since her partner left for work. I see you mom of three who let her kids eat dinner in the back seat of the car. I see you mom who works all day in the office and comes home just in time for the 7pm bedtime. I see you mom who’s injuries from childbirth have left you reeling, and it’s the week before your child graduates high school.
God if only we were able to take the spotlight off ourselves and look at the beauty in others. We would never talk to our friends the same way we talk ourselves, but we do it anyway. The inadequacy is encroaching. It can be consuming.
But it is poison. It is bitter and it is stifling and it is a thief of all your joy. I know this because I experience it almost daily.
This isn’t a post about how we don’t have to let inadequacy consume us, because I’d be a hypocrite to tell you what to do. This is a post about solidarity. You are not a perfect mom. But neither am I.
But I see your trueeeeee colors and that’s why I loveeeee you (okay getting dramatic now).
But seriously. I see how hard you’re trying to keep yourself and your family above water. How hard you’re trying to provide, and how hard you’re trying to join the land of the living each day. Keep it up. You are not alone.